


Ezri

by StarTravel



Series: Defiance Through Tenderness [33]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Developing Friendships, Fluff and Angst, Introspection, People Taking Care of Each Other, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-27 04:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17759375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Julian’s interactions with Ezri Dax lead to a deeper self-understanding alongside questions he’s not sure he wants to ask himself. Garak meanwhile meets Ezri and mourns what he’s lost while also considering what he might gain.





	Ezri

**Author's Note:**

> Beta’d by the amazing and helpful Aidaran who has also helped me figure out how to write this series, and is general wonderful and so thoughtful and cool.

Garak walks down the promenade, gaze flickering out at the nearly empty hallway in front of him. There’s a girl, not older than her late twenties, the spots along her neck meaning she’s a trill. There’s a nervousness to her walk, an almost lost quality to her gaze that speaks of someone who doesn’t know herself yet. Or someone who does and has had that radically changed. “You must be Ezri Dax.”

 “Was it the spots that gave me away?” Ezri asks as she comes to a full stop, smiling in a way that‘s a little too wide to be natural. She’s nervous, hands flexing at her side and big blue eyes darting across the hallway. She finally meets his gaze again, grin turning lopsided. “It’s good to see you again, Garak. Well, for the first time, but also again.”

 “Likewise, Lieutenant.” Garak tells her as he saunters towards her, smile placid even as his gaze grows sharper. Ezri Dax is a new element on the base and Garak needs to understand her as quickly as possible. The situation has grown too dire to take chances on watching and waiting. 

 Ezri takes a deep breath and takes a step toward him, gaze suddenly determined in a way that makes him think of Julian more than Jadzia. She reaches a hand out as though to grab his shoulder; only to drop it at the last moment. Ezri chews on her lips, concern bleeding into her gaze. “Garak, are you doing all right? I’m a counselor now. We could set up an appointment to talk or -”

 “Counselor, why wouldn’t I be fine?” Garak cuts her off as he lets his smile become mean, gaze harder now that he knows what she wants is to treat him. As though this Ezri could understand the first thing about him. 

 “Julian seemed worried, and normally he only worries about work, the war, Miles and you. He said it wasn’t the first two and I saw Miles and Keiko in the replimat and they seemed fine.” Ezri finishes her sentence and gives him a stiff smile, tilting her head to the right a little as she bites her lip. She reminds him even more of Julian in the early days of their friendship - if less enthusiastic - than she did moments ago. It’s altogether disconcerting. 

 Garak tries to shake the feeling as he turns away from her to continue toward his shop. He’s annoyed and amused when he hears her footsteps scurrying behind him, as though she can’t tell she’s not wanted. Another way in which she’s like the Julian that was. “He also used to worry about you.”

 “Jadzia. He worried about Jadzia.” Garak turns to meet her gaze when he hears the sharpness of her voice. There’s a coldness to her gaze that belongs neither to Jadzia nor Julian. It’s the kind of look that’s learned at a mother’s feet. 

 “Yes, and you are very clearly not her. She didn’t ramble.” Garak answers in a clipped voice, turning away from her to walk down the hall. He refuses to look back and see what he’s sure is a reproachful, wounded look in her eyes. It’s not fair to want her to be Jadzia - especially when Garak barely spent any time with the former Dax - but he can’t help it. That Dax understood him. This one does not. 

* * *

 

 Julian hasn’t said something quite so stupid in a long time, and even as he winces and scrambles to explain, a part of him’s relieved. He wouldn’t be himself if he developed social skills overnight. But Julian does wish those words hadn’t been said to Ezri, who is new and scared and doesn’t need people telling her she has eyes of the woman she replaced. “It was just an observation.”

 “Good, because I’m not like her. She knew how to handle it.” Ezri tells him with a low sigh, gaze dropping down to her toddy with an almost pout. She pushes her spoon around in a circle, and Julian just barely resists the urge to mimic her with his own. Then Ezri looks up at him, smile growing almost conspiratorial. “In fact she quite enjoyed it.”

 “Really?” Julian asks before he can stop himself, curiosity and a surprising indifference mixing together in his voice. He knew that of course, she’d as much as told him so when they were stuck together in the lift thinking they might freeze to death. But it feels different hearing it from Ezri in that tone of voice, like it’s a secret Jadzia hadn’t wanted him to know. As if Jadzia had any time for secrets. 

 “You didn’t know.” Ezri’s words are a declaration rather than a question, gaze sparkling with delight. For a moment it’s as though it’s Jadzia staring back at him. But then it passes, Ezri’s gaze more curious than amused. 

 Julian shrugs lightly and turns his gaze to his drink, sipping at it carefully and looking nowhere near Ezri. He doesn’t want to hurt her more than he already did moments ago. “I always suspected.”

 “You can be very charming. You want to know something?” Ezri stops and folds her hands together, swallowing a little as though she’s not sure she can continue. Julian sits up a bit straighter, spine growing stiffer the longer they sit in silence. Then Ezri smiles at him, apologetic and soft and nothing at all like Jadzia. “If Worf hadn’t come along, it would have been you.” 

 Julian is rarely too stunned for words - if anything, shock makes him talk  _ more,  _ not less - but he is now. A small, treacherous part of him wants to believe it for what he suspects are all the wrong reasons. The rest of him stills, a wide smile spreading across his face as he shakes his head. No. It was never him and they both know it, Ezri just doesn’t know that she does. “Ezri, trust me when I say that the part of Dax that  _ is  _ Jadzia is laughing at how ridiculous that is.”

 “No she’s -“ Ezri stops mid-sentence, frowning tightly and closing her eyes for a few seconds. Julian watches as she takes several deep breaths, as though trying to separate her own thoughts from Jadzia’s. He’s confident she’s done it when she starts laughing, the sound full-bodied and rich as it fills the space between them.  _ That’s _ Jadzia. “Actually, I think you’re right. She didn’t mind your flirting, but it’s because … she knew you never meant it. Not really.”

 “Of course.” Julian agrees as he swallows tightly, the words slapping him in the face as he stiffly rolls to his feet. They at once feel definite, a truth he’s always known and also ludicrous. Didn’t mean it? Didn’t mean what?

 Julian tries to push the thought aside. He has furniture to rearrange, after all. 

* * *

 

 Garak walks into his quarters to find them almost completely empty, the couch and table gone, every end table and decoration gone. The only things in the room are his plants and their mattress, blankets tangled up around a slim figure he prays to Gods he doesn’t believe in is Julian. “I see you’ve done some redecorating while I was out.”

 Julian sticks his head out from under the pile of blankets, hair mussed and falling haphazardly across his face. Julian grins at him, small and sheepish as he shakes the blankets off of himself. “I thought -“

 “That I could use more space until one of my ever more frequent panic attacks sets in?” Garak asks with a low scoff as he comes to sit down next to Julian on the mattress. He pulls a few of the blankets around them both. Julian hesitantly touches his thigh, as though afraid he’ll set him off if he gets too close. Garak supposes that’s fair, even if Julian is woefully mistaken. Garak entwines their hands together and uses his free arm to pull Julian half in his lap. 

 “Something like that. I figured we should start with some simpler breathing exercises and focusing on your surroundings before moving onto more … difficult spaces.” Julian’s voice grows soft as he glances toward their bedroom almost nervously, expression growing pinched the longer he stares at the doorway. It’s almost as though he expects the space to leap out and swallow Garak whole. 

 Garak swallows down the many biting words on the top of his tongue, because Julian doesn’t deserve them. “Is this part of your medical training?”

 “It was a rotation, and thanks to my enhanced brain I remember every second of it.” Julian smirks for a moment, gaze lighting up with an air of confidence that makes Garak grin back at him. He does love when Julian takes too much pride in himself. Then Julian’s gaze changes and becomes tender and concerned in the way it only does when he’s going to say something Garak doesn’t like.  “But you’d be better off seeing Ezri. She’s trained for this and I’m not.”

 “I have no interest in telling some lesser version of Dax my insecurities, my dear. I barely share them with you.” Garak tells Julian as he tugs on his waist, pulling them both down against the mattress. Julian goes but twists around in his arms once they’re lying down, one hand coming up to rest against his cheek. 

 “She’s not lesser, she’s a completely different person.” Julian’s tone is almost chiding, a sharp contrast with the gentleness of his touch. Then his gaze grows even softer, a quick kiss pressed to the corner of Garak‘s mouth. “And you should see her.”

 Garak meets Julian’s gaze and considers his words. He’s right. Ezri is nothing like Jadzia. It’s  _ who  _ she reminds Garak of that makes him not want to see her. But - if nothing else, maybe going will dispel that feeling. “Will you stop badgering me if I go tomorrow?” 

 “Only if you promise to take it seriously.” Julian huffs in a miffed tone, even as his gaze fills with a mixture of delight and relief. Julian has such faith in medicine’s power to save the soul, and Garak finds it sweet in its naivety. 

 “As seriously as you took the Enigma Tale of  _ The Gul and The Sculptor. _ ” Garak murmurs into his hair as Julian lets out a disbelieving chuckle. Fair enough. No one could be less serious than Julian is about enigma Tales. It’s one of his most serious character flaws. Garak pulls away from Julian just enough to look into his eyes, gaze a promise that if nothing else, he will try. That’s all he can offer this time. Julian smiles back at him, grateful and accepting all at once as he presses his head against the pillows.

 Garak watches him sleep and wonders when the walls will start closing in. 

* * *

 

 Julian walks down the promenade towards Ezri’s office, stomach twisting nervously in spite of his resolve. He does and doesn’t want to know what answers she might have for him, what Jadzia knew about him that he doesn’t. He thinks - or thought he’d been serious when he flirted with her, or as serious as he could let himself be with anyone after Palis but before Elim.

 But Jadzia’s always understood his feelings before he did, and the only person who has answers for him is the girl whose eyes are at once the same and nothing at all like Jadzia’s. Julian smiles a bit too wide when she steps out of her office, darting to her side before he loses sight of her. “Ezri, I was hoping I could I catch you before your next shift.” 

 “Julian! What’s up?” Ezri walks over to him with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, shoulders squared in a way that makes him sure she’s exhausted. He pushes on with his question anyway. Maybe it will give her a good laugh. 

 “I - when we were talking about Jadzia, you said that part of why she didn’t mind my flirting was because she knew I didn’t mean it. What did she mean by that?” Julian splutters in a tight voice, words coming out too quickly for him to stop them. He winces and gives her a sheepish smile, holding his hands up in front of him as though in defeat. 

 Ezri doesn’t look like she finds him charming now, expression flat and lips pressed into a thin line. She shakes her head, arms crossed against her chest as she stares past him and out the window. “Honestly, I’m not sure and I don’t even know if that’s another thing I can take on right now between Garak and Worf.” 

 Julian winces as he bites his lip, wrapping his fingers around his thumb as he curses his wayward mouth. Maybe it’s just his destiny to make a bad first impression on every Dax he meets. “Right, I’m sorry. That was thoughtless of me.”

 “At least that’s familiar.” Ezri lets out a small, high-pitched giggle. This time there’s no trace of Jadzia in it. Julian grins lightly at her and turns to leave, only to feel her hand press against his forearm. Julian turns around to find Ezri giving him a lopsided grin. “She meant that - she knew you found her attractive of course, most people do. But she knew a lot of it was that you knew she’d reject your advances and that made her safe.”

 Safe. Of course. God knows for all his reckless impulses, Julian lived a life of gilded cages that first his parents and then he himself built before he came to DS9. Loving - or wanting to love - Jadzia was safe because she would never want him back. He came close when he gave her his medical school diaries, coded messages about who and  _ what  _ he was sprinkled throughout them. But then, that was after Julian wanted her as a friend more than a lover. 

 Maybe Julian’s always wanted that more, deep down. Julian glances up at Ezri and tries to hide the grief trying to worm its way to the surface, smile crooked and gaze sheepish. “Because I couldn’t let anyone get too close and see the truth.”

 “She figured out that’s why you stopped flirting with her when you became friends. And why you never said anything to Garak.” Ezri shrugs her shoulder, her smile growing a touch rueful as she looks away from him in what’s not quite guilt. Julian thinks he understands how she feels. 

 It shouldn’t be  _ them  _ having this conversation, it should be him and Jadzia. Julian should be apologizing to Jadzia for acting like a fool around her for years while pretending to feel things he didn’t just a bit too well for anyone’s good. And Jadzia would laugh and tell him how ridiculous he was, her smile bright and teasing. Then Jadzia would ask him how things were going with Elim with a knowing look that read like forgiveness. 

 But it’s too late for that. 

 “Thank you, Ezri. In a way, I think I focused on Jadzia so much because I wanted to be her.” Julian lets out a rueful laugh this time, gaze dropping to the gleaming white tiles of the floor below them. Jadzia, as much as Elim, has always been the things Julian wanted to be. Playful and open, charismatic and confident,  _ honest.  _ Her freedom had been intoxicating. Julian glances at Ezri to find her watching him with wide eyes and laughs again. “That must sound ridiculous.”

 Ezri chews on her lip for a second as she leans in, glancing up at him from the corner of her eye. She smiles softly, raising one eyebrow as she presses a hand against his shoulder. Julian swallows down the emotions rising in his chest and tries his best to smile back at Ezri, whose gaze is both teasing and a little tired. “Trust me Julian, I’m the  _ last _ person who’d find that ridiculous.”

 “Ezri -“ Julian cuts himself off before he can tell her she shouldn’t feel that way or something else that’s entirely inappropriate without meaning to. Julian doesn’t know Ezri or what experiences she carries outside of Dax, doesn’t know the meaning of each of her smiles or which jokes means she’s actually furious with him. She’s not Jadzia and he has to remember that if he’s ever going to be her friend rather than a ghost of her past. 

 So instead Julian meets her gaze and lets all his pretenses drop. There are questions Ezri might be able to help with that Jadzia wouldn’t have been able to. “How’s Elim doing?”

 “You know I can’t tell you that, Julian.” Ezri’s voice is considerate but firm, and he imagines that many a partner has seen the look in her gaze right now in his own eyes. 

 “I know.” Julian murmurs with a tight smile, nodding apologetically as her gaze softens. They are both doctors now, if different kinds, and there’s a new understanding that he hadn’t had with Jadzia. Julian thinks he’ll grow to appreciate this one just as much, given time. 

* * *

 

 “You need to apologize to her.” Julian tells him for what must be the third time in the last hour, pinching the bridge of his nose as his gaze flickers across the pages of his padd. Then those wide eyes glance up at him, the concern in them only making them even lovelier somehow. 

 Garak swallows a little and sets his ridges more stiff than before. He’s fighting a losing battle here, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to play along until Julian wins more definitively. There wouldn’t be any fun in that. “Nothing I said was incorrect.” 

 “That doesn’t mean it wasn’t cruel. Now go apologize. Ezri’s at the Replimat.” Julian’s voice leaves no room for compromise, an almost chiding quality to it. But his eyes are what do Garak in, beseeching and reproachful and  _ worried _ , as though he thinks it will somehow further taint Garak’s already assuredly stained soul if he doesn’t. If apologizing to Ezri Dax makes Julian stop staring at him like that, it’s more than worth it. 

 Garak finds his way to the replimat, letting out a small sigh when he founds the counselor still sitting there, idly sipping her tea as she hurriedly types down notes on the padd in front of her. Garak wonders if they’re about him, but then knowing Deep Space 9, she’s probably had any number of patients already. One could spend a lifetime just on Rom alone. 

 Garak comes to stand in front of her table, smile polite if not a little strained. Ezri has the gall to smile at him as though nothing has passed between them. “Ezri, I wanted to thank you for your help this past week.”

 “You already thanked me, Garak.” Ezri reminds him with a half-smile, one eyebrow raised as she slides her arm behind her back and cups her hands together. It’s the first bit of Jadzia - if that even  _ is _ Jadzia and not one of the other memories living in both women’s heads - he’s seen in Ezri. 

 Garak raises an eye ridge at her tone, smirking a little as he meets Ezri’s gaze. There’s more steel in her than he gave her credit for. “Yes, I suppose I did. I guess what I really mean to say is that the rather … harsh words I said the other day were unfair.” 

 “They were, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t some truth in them.” Ezri’s voice is steady even as she drops her eyes to the table. She bites her lips for a few seconds and stirs her tea almost too carefully, gaze locked onto the light reflecting off of her spoon. She’s stronger than Garak’s given her credit for. 

 That’s a mistake he makes far too often with these Federation officers, their plucky idealism and hope not without a kind of steel of its own. Maybe Cardassia has gotten some things wrong about them after all. 

 “Well of course, that’s what makes them so cruel. Every lie worth  _ anything _ has just the right number of kernels of truth to it.” Garak keeps his voice light and airy, but he never stops holding Ezri’s gaze. She stares back at him, eyes wavering for a second as she tries to decipher what his stare means. Then she tilts her head to the left a little, smirking as she leans towards him across the table. 

 “Taking me on as your new student now that Julian’s all grown up and your boyfriend?” For the first time Ezri sounds a bit like Jadzia, gaze playful and far too knowing all at once, as though she could see it in his eyes each time he compared her to the Julian that was 6 and a half years ago. 

 No, they’re not the same after all. She’s not nearly as optimistic and naive as Julian had been then. He’s missing a ghost as much as Julian is, just not in the same way. 

 Garak knows that is unfair to the Julian that is now, as idealistic and compassionate as ever, now just with more shades of grey sullying the pristine white that was there before. 

 He can’t talk about that with Julian though; he’d merely give Garak one of those smug yet heartbroken looks he got whenever someone proved his belief he was unlovable right. But he could talk about it with Ezri. “No, lieutenant, somehow I think you’ll do just fine without my help.” *

* * *

 

 Julian is just sitting down to lunch with Elim when he sees Ezri across the replimat, expression almost dazed as she glances around the room. Of course. She both knows and knows no one to sit with. Julian opens his mouth only for Elim to beat him to the punch, voice just a little too friendly. “Lieutenant Dax, please join us.”

 “Garak, Julian, how are the two of you doing?” Ezri calls as she approaches their table, one hand coming up to wave at them. She drops her bag by the third chair at the table, smiling brightly as she glances between them. Something almost nervous comes into her gaze when she looks at Julian though, hands clutching at the edge of the table. “I heard Julian’s … friends from the Institute stopped by last night.”

 Oh, right. Julian can’t really blame her for being worried about that, given that they almost committed treason the last time they were here. Julian gives her a reassuring smile as he pokes at his soufflé a few times carefully, a sudden unease settling over him. “Yes, they wanted me to try an experimental treatment on Sarina to help her be less overwhelmed by the stimulants in her environment. The science behind it was quite fascinating and I was tempted, but -”

 “I assured him that if the scientists on Adigeon Prime had no right to play God with him, he hardly had the right to do it with her.” Elim grins brightly at her, tone as casual as if he were talking about the weather. Julian glances at him reproachfully, because it wouldn’t have been the same at all. He didn’t want to  _ change _ her, he wanted to let her experience the world. 

 “With Jules Bashir.” Julian mutters in a low voice, grip tightening on his spoon as his other hand comes up to grip the edge of the table lightly. Because that’s a sticking point between them too, Elim constantly acting as though he isn’t Jules’ replacement but is instead … something he isn’t. “But enough about us, Ezri how are you settling in?”

 “Things had a … rocky start.” Ezri says after a beat, shaking her head a little as she glances over at Elim pointedly. He merely nods slightly, gracious smile never leaving his face. Julian lets out a low scoff, only to find Ezri’s gaze curious and knowing all at once, on him. “But they’re going well now. I have two,  _ maybe _ three appointments this afternoon.”

 Suddenly Julian finds two sets of knowing eyes and polite smiles directed towards him, and he’s not sure he has the will to say no to either of them. He never should have let Garak and this Dax meet, clearly theirs a dangerous combination. “My afternoon shift ends at 1900 hours.”

 “Great! I’ll see you then.” Ezri tells him with a wide smile as she rises from her chair, apparently forgetting lunch now that she’s focused on her work. Julian swallows tightly as he stares down at his plate. Jules is a thing he had not shared with Jadzia. He’s not sure how he feels about Ezri knowing about it first or at all. 

 Too late now though, Elim has said the name like a curse. 

 Julian turns his gaze to Elim, at once betrayed and a little proud. He never thought Elim would use his cunning to try to get someone to go to a doctor, even if that doctor isn’t him. But there’s something painfully familiar to the way he looks at Ezri. It’s nothing romantic or passionate, merely fondly amused in a way Julian thinks used to be his. “I can’t believe you’re corrupting someone else, Elim. I might get jealous, you know.”

 “Unlike you, my dear, Ezri doesn’t need any help.” Garak presses a hand to his cheek, gaze almost impossibly tender, but there’s something else there too. Julian worries it might be regret and tries to push the thought away, leaning in to press a kiss to Garak’s mouth instead.

**Author's Note:**

> First, Chrysallis is my second least favorite episode of Trek ever and I have a lot of issues with it and the show’s general depiction of the Jack Pack, but I honestly don’t think I’m currently equipped enough as a writer to create a story that properly critiques and alters that episode, and I also think it would need to be its own, much longer story. So it just didn’t happen here haha. 
> 
> Questions and comments are loved!


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